


they're not the same anymore

by fidelisinfinitum



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, F/F, Short, season 10
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-25
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2019-03-23 15:02:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13790202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fidelisinfinitum/pseuds/fidelisinfinitum
Summary: "That is the saddest part when you lose someone you love - that person keeps changing. And later you wonder, is this the same person I lost?" - Amy Tan





	they're not the same anymore

**Author's Note:**

> EDIT - August 2018, just some minor rearranging and rephrasing, no plot changes, no real additions

they're not the same anymore. sometimes olivia lies in their bed at night and wonders if she even knows the woman next to her anymore. she never wonders for long, just long enough to know that she doesn't want to know the answer. 

they're not the same at all. they kiss, make out, really, on the bed, and sometimes olivia feels empty inside. she feels empty, until all of a sudden the fear hits her and she breaks the kiss with some lame excuse so she can leave and lock herself in the bathroom, waiting until the wave of panic subsides and she can't feel the hands on her anymore. 

alex never asks what's wrong. 

sometimes when she kisses lines down alex's body, she stops and traces the outline of the scar with her fingertips. it's a puckered hole in otherwise smooth skin, and it's shiny in the light. alex shivers at olivia's touch, and hands too rough to be familiar urge her on before they can dwell on it too long. 

olivia never asks about it either. 

they both wake kicking screaming in the night, terrified, both for and of each other. they used to talk about it, but it's become so much harder now. it's just enough to hold the other in their arms and breathe with them, make sure they're still there in ways that can be proven with just their senses. 

olivia gives alex flowers on the anniversary of her coming back from witness protection, a card with her real name on it stuck between the blooms, even though olivia brings it herself. 

alex takes olivia out, to every restaurant they can find. romantic italian restaurants, small french cafes, mom and pop diners, anywhere to feel the hustle and bustle of the city, and to be with her. 

they hold hands, lacing their fingers together underneath tables, between them while walking, even just sitting on the couch. touch is real, it's tangible enough to prove it's not all a dream. 

maybe they're too different, had olivia tried saying once, but alex interrupted her. 

of course we are, she said. it's been a long few years. olivia had nodded then, and somehow all the changes weren't so bad. all the wrinkles and scars, all the tired smiles and different little mannerisms. but i still love you, she said, even if she wasn't the same at all. even if olivia was sure she was another person. 

i love you too, olivia replied, and it really wasn't that different at all.

**Author's Note:**

> cleaning out my drafts


End file.
